Good Vibes Only are Not Cool, Man!
In the world of parenting, there’s a growing pressure to keep things positive all the time — to always look on the bright side and ensure our children are happy. As well-meaning as this intention might be, constantly striving for “good vibes only” can actually do more harm than good. In Child-Centred Play Therapy (CCPT), we take a different approach: embracing all emotions, because emotional well-being isn’t about perpetual happiness; it’s about learning to feel, process, and navigate the full range of emotions.
The Problem with Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity is the belief that one should focus solely on the positive and reject any negative emotions. While being optimistic isn’t inherently wrong, this “just be happy” mentality sends a message to children that certain emotions are unacceptable or need to be suppressed. In reality, children (like adults) experience a wide spectrum of feelings — frustration, sadness, anger, joy, and excitement — all of which are normal and valid.
When we ask children to "just smile" or "be happy," we unintentionally dismiss their inner world. It teaches them to avoid or ignore uncomfortable emotions, which are actually crucial for emotional development. In CCPT, one of the main tenets is helping children understand that all feelings are acceptable, even if certain behaviours aren't (Landreth, 2012). This means that instead of rushing through sadness or anger, we help children sit with these feelings, acknowledge them, and learn how to navigate them healthily.
Why All Emotions Matter
Validating emotions helps children build resilience and emotional intelligence. When children feel heard and understood, they learn that it’s okay to experience a range of emotions. This validation fosters emotional security and strengthens the parent-child connection.
According to Daniel Siegel's research on the brain, when a child’s emotional experiences are ignored or brushed off, it can disrupt their ability to regulate their emotions later in life (Siegel & Bryson, 2012). On the other hand, when we sit with children in their tough moments, they feel safe to express themselves fully, which is crucial for their long-term emotional well-being.
What Can Parents Do Instead of Toxic Positivity?
Rather than focusing solely on making sure your child is always happy, try these emotionally responsive parenting strategies that align with CCPT principles:
Acknowledge and Name the Emotion
When your child is upset, instead of saying, “Don’t cry, you’re fine,” try, “I see you’re feeling really sad right now. It’s okay to feel sad.” This teaches them that all feelings are normal and worth noticing.Model Emotional Regulation
As parents, we set the tone for how emotions are handled. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, try to model healthy emotional expression. For example, you might say, “I’m feeling frustrated because things aren’t going as planned. I’m going to take a few deep breaths.” Showing children how you manage your own emotions is one of the most powerful teaching tools.Hold Space for Their Feelings
Instead of rushing to fix your child’s problem or distract them, simply hold space. Offer comfort with phrases like, “I’m here with you,” or “It’s hard to feel that way, I understand.” Letting your child know they’re not alone in their emotions can be incredibly comforting.Shift the Focus from Outcomes to Connection
Sometimes, parents are so focused on getting their child back to happiness that they miss an opportunity to connect. Ask yourself, “What does my child need in this moment?” Often, it’s less about fixing the feeling and more about feeling seen and heard.Embrace the Long Game
Emotional development is a slow, steady process. There’s no rush. Just as therapy can’t be fast-tracked, children need time to learn how to navigate their inner world. As Mona Delahooke reminds us, healing and growth happen over time, and it’s crucial to allow space for children to work through their experiences at their own pace (Delahooke, 2020).
A Word on Parent Emotions
It’s not just about the child’s emotions — your feelings matter too. Parenting can be exhausting, and pretending everything is fine all the time is draining. By acknowledging your own emotions, you model for your children that all feelings are part of being human. In CCPT, we believe that a parent’s emotional health is deeply connected to their child’s well-being. Taking care of your emotional needs helps you show up more fully for your child.
The Journey Takes Time
Therapy, much like emotional development, is not something we can rush. Just as it takes time for children to understand and manage their emotions, it takes time for the therapeutic process to unfold. The goal isn't a quick fix but rather long-term emotional resilience. Through play, children explore and express what they may not have the words to say, and this process helps them understand themselves better (Ray, 2011). When we focus on connection over immediate results, we create a space for real growth.
Final Thoughts
In parenting, it’s natural to want your child to be happy. But real emotional health comes from being able to experience and move through all emotions, not just the pleasant ones. Embrace the messy moments. Sit with your child when they’re sad or frustrated. In doing so, you’re helping them develop the tools they need to handle life’s ups and downs — and that’s far more valuable than “good vibes only.”
If you’d like to explore more strategies for supporting your child’s emotional development, reach out to us at Inspiring Play: Child and Family Play Therapy Sunshine Coast. We’re here to support you and your child on this journey.
Paediatric Allied Health Therapy, Sunshine Coast, Queensland
References:
Delahooke, M. (2020). Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges. PESI Publishing.
Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship. Routledge.
Ray, D. C. (2011). Advanced Play Therapy: Essential Conditions, Knowledge, and Skills for Child Practice. Routledge.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Bantam Books.